We trust them and they are reliably (not perfectly) well-regulated.

We don’t feel dread when we think about them or prepare to see them.

We have an ongoing consistent experience of kindness, respect, and authentic engagement.

We can relax knowing they will not be contemptuous or gaslight us.

There is a mutuality of interest in conversations and wanting to know each other.

We are on our own side and on their side - we are not competing with each other.

We are delighted when they experience good fortune.

“Safe enough” means we can be ourselves, relax, and have fun together.

Why do we minimize our own trauma?

We compare and see our trauma as less than other people’s

Why do we compare and try to one-up other people’s trauma?

We don’t want to believe it could happen to us so we blame them

Why do other people dismiss us?

Don’t be silly. You’re exaggerating. It won’t happen to you. We protest. You don’t know that. Bad things happen all the time!

Our predictive brain, with its negativity bias, tries to apply what it knows to other situations. If this bad thing could happen in this situation then ...

Are you anxious or terrified while driving? Have you stopped driving because it feels unsafe?

Fears and beliefs arise from our direct and indirect experiences. There are many ways to support ourselves in healing driving anxiety.

We can explore the exact thoughts and feelings causing the anxiety, and calm ourselves enough to safely drive again.

Our culture is fond of phrases like Just Do It! When we’re dealing with social anxiety and other types of fear, this is counter productive and shaming.

Our nervous system predicts safety and danger and generates survival responses based on our experience. We can hold ourselves with patience and kindness and also take steps to heal.

A fawning response is a submissive and excessively flattering reply or reaction to someone in a position of authority or perceived higher status. It can be seen as insincere or overly deferential, and may be used as a way to seek favor or avoid criticism. Fawning responses include flattery, compliments, or excessive agreement with the other person's opinions or actions.

We need direct experiences that it is okay to be present to our lives and our feelings. This is what updates our previous conditioning that it is not safe to be here.

Escape or flight takes many forms. We may be addicted to food, alcohol and other drugs. Perhaps we get relief using shopping, gambling or overwork. Addiction is a common trauma response and is rampant in our society because it is so effective in helping us escape.

Someone who is emotionally flooded into a fight response can be scary to be around. Lashing out verbally or physically triggers fear in others. We walk on eggshells to not set them off.

The brain likes electrical stimulation and feeds on anger like kindling. Instead of feeling overwhelmed and scared, someone in a fight response feels like they are taking action and protecting themselves.

We all move up and down the polyvagal ladder, and we usually have a go-to response based on childhood conditioning. Our nervous system assesses threat and the best option for survival, sending us into one of these protective strategies. Each form of protection has advantages and disadvantages.

Freeze can look like numb, disconnected, and hunkered down for safety. Freeze takes the edge off of painful, overwhelming experiences. We might hold our breath to avoid notice. We disconnect from others. It’s safer “in here”.

Love and compassion. Betrayal and rage. Grief and loss. Our heart has the capacity for extremes of emotion. We feel so deeply.

Our heart has its own knowing. Like our gut instinct, what the heart knows is somatic or body wisdom. Thoughts and how we interpret our experiences influence feelings. Whether we are open hearted and trusting, or protecting ourselves from being hurt, our history impacts how we feel in the present.

There are so many experts and they each have their own program and advice. How do I know which is the right method for me?

I’m getting older. How long is this going to take?

Stirring up the past hurts! Is it worth it?

The answers are as varied and complex as the problem.

One: Knowledge of How Trauma Works

Two: Regulating Our Nervous System

Three: Becoming Friends With Our Mind

The experiences of life in our body. The trauma we store in our body. The cultural conditioning and pressure to look a certain way and be a certain size. Whew! It’s a mine field.

We may have been at war with our body our whole life. It’s not too late to bring empathy and connection to one of the most important relationships we will ever have - that with our own body.

What is your heartfelt wish for yourself in 2023?

What would have to shift for your life to align with your deepest values?

How can you bring more compassion, kindness and empathy into your life this year?

Compassion is the daily practice of recognizing and accepting our shared humanity, so that we treat others and ourselves with loving-kindness, and we take action in the face of suffering. It is fueled by understanding and accepting that no one is immune to pain or suffering. Compassion is not a practice of “better than” or “I can fix you”.

It’s easy to bring “them” to mind. They are the ones who activate us into a survival response, like the fury we direct at someone who won’t respect our boundaries. Other times we might encase our heart in ice and refuse to care about them. Being in relationship with people pushes our buttons. We need each other, and we are so deeply hurt by each other.

“The goal of this journey is not to change our thoughts or emotions. It is to stay in the seat of Self while accepting the shifts that are taking place.” Michael Singer, Living Untethered

The heart is more sensitive than the mind, and we have much less control over feelings than thoughts. Some emotions feel like the sensation of wind flowing over you like a gentle breeze. Others are more like being out in a fierce storm.

“How can we touch and live in expanded consciousness? What are the obstacles inherent in the human predicament, and how can we let them go?” Michael Singer is practical. This is how it is. Do you see what happens when you don’t accept reality? How can I help you see? To be free?

In my life’s important areas: what am I not saying no to?

Where did I sense a no that I stifled, conveying a “yes” (or a silence) instead?

How does my inability to say no impact my life?

What bodily signals have I been overlooking?

“Ancient cultures have long understood that we exist in relationship to all, are affected by all, and affect all. Our brains and minds are not independent operators. Nothing about us, mental or physical, can be comprehended apart from the many-faceted milieu in which we exist. It is a reality of our interconnected nature.” Gabor Maté, MD

When people are in fight/ flight/ freeze, they don’t have reliable access to higher level brain development. Driven by competition, fear and survival, it’s “us against them”. We can know these are trauma responses, yet still have a hard time staying connected and not shutting down. We need clarity and to be strategic.